I've been wanting to write this post for a while - a post about my experiences as a non-binary person growing up in the '80s and '90s. It's weird how difficult this stuff is to talk about, even now.
I can't speak for other non-binary folks, but I can put down a little about my own personal experiences.
What does it mean to be non binary?
A non-binary person doesn't identify as purely male or female. It's really an umbrella term, because some people feel they're both male and female, either at the same time or at different times, or identify as a third gender, or have no gender at all.
It's been several years now since I learned more about what it means to be non binary and realised it was a term that described me. Before that I used the term 'androgynous', but that was far from perfect because it describes a look and not an identity. (Or it does for me - others may use it differently).
As I've got older, my look has changed. But who I am hasn't.
I don't choose to identify as one of the subcategories. I feel differently about it at different times, and it isn't important for me personally to add more labels.
Shame and representation
There's this idea that being non-binary is popular and 'there are all these genders nowadays'. That, of course, is bullshit. It's like saying there were no left-handed people in Victorian England. There were - they were just less accepted and some had to pretend to be right-handed to avoid punishment.
I hid my identity for a long time - partly because I didn't understand it and partly because I was taught that it was shameful.
Don't get me wrong, I have wonderful parents who did a great job raising me in the context of the time. I had a fairly privileged upbringing and home was my sanctuary from the drudgery of school. But my parents didn't understand who I was any more than I did.
One thing I remember is being at my Nanna's house and being told off for sitting with my legs crossed 'like a girl'. I don't remember who said it, but it hurt. It hurt enough that it's one of the very few memories I have of that house.
There was also something from Only Fools and Horses about someone wearing their mum's clothes one time, and I felt a lot of shame about that as well - because I'd done that.
Representation
There was very much a lack of representation back then, but there wasn't nothing. A lot of it was negative, but occasionally I'd stumble across something that meant I wasn't totally alone.
I remember being in the bathroom and hiding my penis between my legs and imagining myself with breasts. Maybe a lot of people have done that - who knows? But there's some stuff in Friends with Ross that made me think it wasn't unheard of. Although it was framed as a joke, it didn't feel hurtful (to me, at least).
Of course, there's also that episode where Chandler ends up wearing women's clothes in a public bathroom, and the one with the trans relative at the wedding, so you know... Friends wasn't all that.
There were cross-dressers on TV as well. Dame Edna Everage. Lily Savage. But somehow, those over-the-top theatrical characters didn't feel like me. They didn't seem real.
Positive influences
There were a few things growing up that really helped me understand myself a little better: music, fantasy, anime, video games, and Dungeons & Dragons.
Music
Musicians were really important, because rock and metal had loads of guys with long hair. Bon Jovi, sure. But Brian Molko was probably the most important, because he was pretty. That's what I really wanted to be.
I'd like to say I was really inspired by David Bowie and Kurt Cobain, but I really only got to know them later.
Fantasy
I've always loved fantasy fiction. There are a lot of reasons, but you can probably imagine how I felt about the elves when the Lord of the Rings movies came out! By the time I was in college, I had this long straight hair half the way down my back. A lot of people wanted me to get rid of it - one girl even said I might actually be good looking without it - but it was me.
Anime, video games and D&D
All the androgynous characters in anime were (and still are) a big attraction for me. Nowadays, Demon Slayer is my favourite. Part of the reason is that Tanjiro is the kindest person ever, but that series has characters of ambiguous gender expression all over the place.
Video games were another outlet. Although my dad and brother never said anything about this as far as I can remember, I felt a pressure to play male characters. That's something I got over in time, and I'm glad I did.
Chun-Li is still my favourite character from Street Fighter.
I think my lifelong love of D&D is partly based on the fact that I could play a girl as well. I was completely obsessed with Aleena from the red 'Basic' box back in the day. She was such a well designed character.
You're not alone
Despite having some outlets to express my gender growing up, they were pretty limited. I had a Sylvanian Families lampost, but I'm not sure if I actually had any of the cute little dolls? It's difficult having an identity you can't talk to anyone about. I was nearly 40 by the time I felt I could, and I still haven't really had a proper conversation with my mum.
Hopefully this post will help.
If you feel similar or this post has helped you in any way, feel free to reach out. You could also check out my short story, Hikari, which deals with some of this stuff.